Do you ever feel like spewing profanity until the annoying situation changes, or life gets better? Letting fly one f-word after another? You might think I never do this, or if I did, I’d feel Catholic Guilt afterward. While attending St. Mary’s School, I went to confession once a month, and always confessed to using bad words, even if I hadn’t, because I couldn’t think of anything else to confess. Then I’d feel guilty for telling a lie.
Truth be told, I don’t feel the least bit guilty for cussing up a blue streak. In fact, I kind of enjoy it. This guilt-free pleasure didn’t come from my dad. I never heard him utter one bad word. But, my dear, sweet, angelic mother had three curse words she considered acceptable: damn, hell, and even shit. She didn’t use them often, but when she did, I always noticed a hint of a smile on her face, as if having a potty mouth was a hidden pleasure, like her occasionally smoking, which she also hid. She never apologized for using profanity, so I assume she didn’t feel guilty about it either.
I just finished binge-watching some Ted Lasso. I love the situation of having a down-home Kansas boy thrown into a haughty English lifestyle, and I love the zany characters, but most of all, I love the abundant profanity and accompanying gestures.
Here’s my take on profanity. Instead of God condemning me to hell for using the word “hell,” when I beg his forgiveness, He says: “Hey, honey, no problem, I totally understand. Sometimes you just have to let loose. Go ahead and cuss all you want. That’s the least of your worries or mine. I mean, I’ve had people like Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden to deal with. When my precious little Czech/Catholic girl says a bad word or three, it’s water off a duck’s back. In fact, I think it’s cute. Besides, you have a free ticket to Heaven for not stepping on earthworms when you’re out running, for smiling at people who are pricks, for giving a twenty-dollar bill to the psychotic homeless guy who spits at people on the street in front of Safeway, and mostly for buying all those food bags for shelter dogs and cats instead of buying your nieces and nephews birthday and Christmas gifts. Oh, and thanks for saying the rosary every morning even though you stare at the clock, wondering how much longer this will take and thinking, why in the f’ing hell am I doing this? Truthfully, I don’t know why you are doing that either. Didn’t I just say you already have a free ticket to Heaven? Your parents, relatives, and dogs are all here waiting for you, and I know you will never disappoint them. You’re going to enter your eighth decade in a few months, so just chill, all right.”
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